DIY: How To Charlie Brown A Christmas Tree
I know it’s a bit late in the annual Christmas tree shopping window, but that’s why it is exactly the perfect time to read this article, and precisely the perfect time to buy the saddest and cheapest Christmas tree in the lot. I guarantee this little grumpy tree will give your living room the touch of “Charlie Brown” it needed this holiday season.
How it all started
It started five years ago.
I was heading into an upscale Ralph’s supermarket. I don’t really know if it was upscale, but they have an amazing cheese section; aged cheeses from around the world circled around a large counter like bars of pure gold. I judge a market’s poshness by the level of their cheeses.
Anyhow, I do not recall if I was going in for cheese that I probably couldn’t afford, but before I had entered the store, I saw the last lone Christmas tree of the season sitting by itself lonely by the door. I had only taken a quick gander, wondering what such a hideous tree was doing sitting outside such a magnificent store with such exquisite cheese.
Maybe, I thought, they have really nice cheese, but really crappy trees. Or, they have amazing trees and that is the reason why the good ones are gone and that poor excuse for a Christmas tradition remained without a home. It was such an obvious otherworldly juxtaposition in relation to the cheese section, that I could only figure, it was a big mistake by someone unqualified to pick a tree for such a fine Ralph’s grocery establishment, and were probably henceforth relieved of their duties a few weeks before the Christmas Holiday.
I don’t know if it was a life spent watching any cartoons that the television provided on Saturdays, or the myriad of Disney movies where animals talked and trees and snowmen had wonderful personalities, but I couldn’t shake the sight of that miserable tree. Nobody wanted it. It was like an abomination.
A grotesque cruel natural disaster of a tree. Maybe three feet tall, but probably two, was already browning and losing its needles like a middle-aged man losing his hair, it had no symmetry and tilted to one side like a Christmas Leaning Tower of Pisa.
And yet, I couldn’t shake it. I wandered the store, looking at cheese I would never buy, or never be able to buy, filling my cart with healthy food and balancing it out with items from the frozen section, and yet, my mind went to that tree. Could I be feeling sorry for it? Could I have some sort of empathy for an already dead and dying poor excuse for a Christmas tree?
Those thoughts didn’t matter it turned out, as I went to the check out, paid for my goods, and exited the store. What a stupid thought: that the tree had a soul and was sitting there waiting for someone to find the good in it, with nothing good to offer itself.
As I pushed my cart out the door, I told myself not to look. I feared the tree would be watching me. Can trees cry? I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to know. I rolled past, keeping my gaze forward while scores of patrons shuffled by the tree without so much as a look.
I loaded my trunk and shut the lid. Ha! I thought. What was I thinking? Sympathy for a worthless tree? How old am I? But then I turned, pulled by the helpless unwanted tree. It still sat in the shadows, tilting in that wretched, off-probably-going-to-tip-over-keel. Damnit!
I found myself marching across the parking lot and taking up the tree by its brittle needle-less stem in what was tantamount to a tantrum and set it on the belt of the checkout stand; the same stand I had just recently bought my groceries, where the checker stared at me and the tree in horror.
“You’re buying that tree?” she asked.
I think I nodded, with my armpits sweating in embarrassment and an almost crooked-looking frown plastered to my face. A frown so crooked, it kind of looked like a smile. This tree had already had such a bizarre effect on my thoughts, and now it’s dictating my actions. It must be just as cursed as the cursed skeleton I tried to give to grams this past Halloween.
This sad, grumpy, and dying tree was already costing me some much cherished self-esteem of which I kept in short supply. She called up the manager. He was a good-looking, purposeful man who belonged in an establishment that could provide the kinds of cheese they did. He stared at the tree and then me, probably wondering what scam I was about to spring on him. The girl told him the tree was twenty dollars which made me jump, because I figured it would be closer to free than $20. She then, to my further astonishment, asked if they could give me a discount. Maybe they felt sorry for me; some lonely bachelor who couldn’t afford a proper tree, and so sought out the dregs on a whim, probably as a last gasp at not feeling isolated on Christmas. The manager, being kind hearted, to either me, or the tree, or both, took ten dollars off.
And so, the Charlie Brown Christmas tradition began.
I headed to my cousin’s, who lived close by, to see if she had any ornaments to spare. I probably used to have ornaments, but they were more than likely crushed to powder under the feminine boots of past relationships that did not work out. Evidently, I am better with unwanted trees. To my surprise, she did have a box of ornaments in the garage… or ornaments she was about to throw away come trash day rather. Perfect, I said, and took what items I thought would fit the Charlie Brown theme… meaning I just took the box without looking.
The holiday tree turned out splendid. I can’t say for sure, but it seemed to glow with delight and had maybe even tried to straighten up a bit for me. The ornaments didn’t match, and the ones that did were scratched or bent.
I took great pride in my tree, placing it in the middle of the table. He was such a tiny tree. A good tree. I was maybe… proud of my tree.
As the years went on, I would return to the Ralph’s around Christmas time to get my ragged Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I kid you not, and there is no hyperbole here, every time I go, there is only one grump tree left, and it is just as terribly magnificent as the first.
The pictures and videos are from my most recent Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. The cousin who loaned (gave) me the ornaments is the videographer. I thought it only appropriate for her to be present in the purchasing and trimming of the tree. True to form, it was the last remaining tree at Ralph’s. What a beauty.
If you are interested in starting your own “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree tradition, just follow these easy steps.
How to Charlie Brown Christmas Tree
Below is the most cost-efficient way to buy a holiday Christmas tree that’s affordable to your budget. The cheap cost is only but one of the plethora of cheerful benefits a “Charlie Brown” Christmas Tree has to offer.
4 Steps:
Go to your nearest Ralphs or equivalent local grocery store and buy the most hideous unwanted tree you can find (the last tree left is always a plus).
Cost cannot be over $20 (free is the pinnacle).
The tree cannot be over three feet tall unless you’re taller than 7 feet.
The tree cannot be symmetrical.
A tilted tree is desirable.
Decorate your tree using few, but un-matching ornaments (old, out of style, & second-hand preferred).
The lights should barely cover the tree (half, to three-quarter coverage is best).
Drink champagne while trimming (no bottles over the cost of the tree).
Adhering to proper tree care and maintenance, water and talk to your tree often.
Post Tree Set-up instructions:
Be grateful you can afford a $20 tree.
Post pictures of your tree with pride. (Even if you hate posting)
Remember, Charlie Brown trees are like mutts, it will be the best tree you ever had.
A wonderful tree
PS. I still haven’t bought any cheese from Ralphs. Damn.